Geez…I get halfway through Lent and I stop posting! Man…I need to hold myself more accountable for what I say I’m going to do.

However, I have still been writing and am heading to Camden, NJ and Philadelphia tommorrow so I won’t be posting for another week. I won’t have my computer with me so I’ll have to write old school style…with actual pen and paper.

When I get back I’ll update my posts from the past two weeks…because by then it’ll have been two weeks!

If anyone’s reading, please keep us all in your prayers for our trip. Be back soon!

Can you believe we’re already halfway through Lent?! Wow this is going by so fast!

Today’s post is about desires. In writing for the past 20 days, I’ve come to realize how well God knows the desires of my heart. And when I voice those desires to him, I’ve been getting answers back.  I used to think that if God knows everything about us and knows our thoughts and our desires even before we know them, then why bother talking to God about it…he already knows so what’s the point?! But, now I realize how important it is to voice your desires to God.

God knows what is in my perfect world of life and I hope that these things are in God’s perfect world too.  I’ve been learning to listen to God’s voice…telling me what is in his world.  When I voice my desires to God, the feeling that I get afterward tells me what God’s answer is. Lately I’ve been feeling very at peace with things and I am trusting that this feeling is God’s voice telling me my desires are valid and part of his desires too.  God knows the desires of my heart and I hope that they are satisfied by being one with God’s desires for me.

When I question the desires that I have to God, I have felt that he is showing my true longings..the one’s he has as well. I hope that my desires are God’s desires too. And if God truly instills these yearnings within us and they come from God, then we should listen to them and see what they have to say to us. Because I’m beginning to believe that that is the way God has been speaking to me. Listening to what my heart is telling me and what it has to say is my way of knowing God is listening to what I write in my journal. I pray that God keeps my desires in his heart and protects my heart against the one that are not of his will.

I know these desires are God’s voice within me and I am grateful for them. I hope I will continue listening!

I had a very typical Sunday. I did everything I do normally on Sundays.

Sundays are usually pretty quiet for me and gives me alot of time to think. Today I was thinking about responsibility. I was thinking about the responsibilities that God has given me and if I am approaching them the way they are supposed to be treated. I was thinking about the responsibilities that life brings and the responsibilities that life in going to to bring in the future.

In praying about taking these responsibilities and thinking about what I am going to do with them, I haven’t really come up with anything yet. But, they are out there now.  They’re not swirling in my head any more, so once I can grasp some better clarity on them I’ll let you know what I’ve come up with

My family is crazy sometimes. My family likes to laugh and have fun. My family is loud at times…and at times it is a little embarrassing. But guess what? I’m part of my family and am exactly the same way! I like to laugh, I like to have fun, I can be crazy and I am loud at times. My family is part of me and made me who am I am. I took a spontaneous crazy road trip with friends to visit my family at home this weekend.  My three passengers got to see just how loud and life-loving my family can be.

We don’t get to choose our families, but I’m happy that God has given me this one. No matter how much we can get on each others nerves at times, my family is one that I feel truly blessed to have.  My family is fun, and inspiring, and loving. They’ve supported me in everything that I do and have shaped me to be the person that I am today.

Taking some “outsiders” to the world of my family was interesting. I hope that my family can always love the “outside” people in my life the way that I do. And I hope the outside people in my life can love my family the way that I do.  I trust that God will allow the relationships between all those I love to be loving as well.

I have a family I was born into and I love them. I have a family that has been formed here in Las Cruces and I love them. I love everything all my families bring, the laughter and the frustrations, the support and  the loudness, the good and the sometimes embarrassment

It’s all given to me for a reason and I love it!

God has never really answered my prayers in the way that I expect them to be answered. However, that verse about “ask and you shall receive” as been plain as day sometimes…just not in how expected. God did this to me today. I’ve been praying for certain things lately and today something happened and it through me for a loop.  Actually two prayers were answered, one in a short conversation and one in a phone call.

I didn’t expect the first to happen when it did and I didn’t expect it to happen the way that it did.  My first reaction to it happening was actually a negative one. But, when I was later thinking about how I reacted, I regretted the feeling I had. Just because God answered my prayer in an unexpected way doesn’t mean I can disregard it completely and be negative towards it. Just because it happened differently than I expected it to doesn’t mean I shouldn’t appreciate it. So I am going to try something new and intetionally appreciate God’s answers to my prayers…even if they aren’t what I expected. These unexpected answers usually mean there is something even more great ahead. That’s the way it’s been in the past anyways…

So I am going to appreciate what God has given me, even if it seems small, and look forward to the hope it brings in the future.

What I wrote for today’s entry of my journal I realize does not really belong in this journal. I didn’t want this journal to become a “venting” device to God about what is bothering me at the moment.  Though I feel I can bring my concerns to God, this journal and my writings should be about my relationship with God and my way to become closer to God.

I am going to try to be more careful about what I write and make sure that it is about me and God…not me and the rest of the world. I think Lent is about making the time to work on your relationship with God, so my writings should reflect that. My journal is not an escape from life’s everyday frustrations, so I’m going to get back on track from now on!

I went for a long run this morning. I ran so far that I surprised myself.

After my run, I checked the mail and got a letter from my grandma in Albuquerque, which surprised me.

Later that morning I talked to my grandma in Oregon and she surprised me. She offered to pay for me to fly out to Oregon and live with her for the summer and job search, which surprised me!

My day of surprises got me thinking. All these people I care about are trying to help me in preparing for the next step of my life. My aunt offered to connect me to jobs in San Antonio, my grandma offered to fly me out for a job in Oregon, my grandparents in Albuquerque have always said I have a place to stay with them and would be thrilled to have me while I get situated. All these people who care about me are trying to help me out. It makes me nervous thinking about taking up these offers and moving far way. Does that surprise me? Not really…because I’m always freaking out about changes.

All these opportunities seem to be popping up and I need help in choosing which ones to seriously consider.Why am I resisting these changes so much? Why do I want to stay here for while until I feel ready to leave? Is that okay? The tug in right now is to stay here in Las Cruces until I feel ready to leave, but is that the right choice? It seems silly to do that when all these opportunities for new adventures are out there.  I will trust what God tells my heart to do and where to go.  And that shouldn’t be any surprise at all if it’s truly the right place to be.

I love that I began today with prayer and I am now ending it with prayer. It’s been great to talk to God every day. I am beginning to feel that this is the most fruitful Lenten activity I’ve ever done. I feel I am learning to listen to God more and though I am still confused about lots of things, I am more at peace with it…and I know that is God’s grace stepping in, guiding me.

I did a doodle prayer  this morning at Newman for our regular Tuesday morning prayer.  Doodle prayer involves, well, doodling while you pray. You focus on one person or one thing to pray for and as you are thinking about that person you write their name and color and doodle. It gives you something to do with your hands while you are praying and can help you focus.

This afternoon I got out of class early and was able to go play tennis…while it was still daylight! I was so excited and happy to have that opportunity…and I played really hard today. Aubrey has been giving me lessons and coaching me and I’ve really been improving. I hit with all the boys today and was smacking that ball around really well. It felt good to be improving. This evening, I was able to go to CRE-D and Faithsharing (because I got to go to tennis practice early). CRE-D stands for Catholicism Rediscovered and is part of the adult confirmation group at Newman. It is open to anyone to come listen to the lecture and tonight’s topic was the Sacraments. After the lecture, everyone breaks up into small groups to discuss the next Sunday’s Gospel reading as a part of Faithsharing.

In the small faithsharing group I was a part of, we spent almost two hours discussing scripture and God and how the Gospel is calling us to live our life . We spent time pondering and questioning things and learning from each other. Looking back on our conversations and the rest of my day, I realized that practice is really what we need and reminds me that I am a “practicing” Catholic.   Just like tennis, I must practice things my Catholic faith calls me to do. This includes prayer (my Lenten journal is my practice), service (which I’ve been able to alot of through Newman), working on relationships (spending intentional time with friends, those close to me, and God through my journal, and questioning things about my faith to learn more about God (which I’ve been able to explore lately within small groups). Practice does make perfect (well major improvement really) in all areas of my life, tennis, school, friendships,  prayer, my relationship with God, and learning about God.

For tonight, it was nice that we could bounce ideas off each other and we could question each other and recognize that we’re all a little confused sometimes, but that we can learn from our questions. We can also learn from hearing different perspectives, as well as from being a little uncomfortable and confused about things. I’ve always been able to apply my tennis game to life, and today I realized even more how much I can apply it even to my spiritual life and my relationship with God. I feel grateful for that. And for today, practice really does make perfect.

Yesterday’s post I mentions the show, The Bachelor. Man I got hooked this season! Bailey and I just had a fun night of dressing up, getting roses, candles, Bachelor magazines, and sangria. I love having silly girly nights with my friends.

I’ve been blessed with great friends to do silly girly stuff with. I have had lots of great girlfriends throughout my life. God has given me girls in my life to have fun with and learn from. The girlfriends I’ve had have been so inspiring and have helped me grow in my faith. The friends I have made at Newman and friends from old times are things I know I can truly witness as something that came from God.  I am very thankful to have some girlfriends to share silly indulgences with

Today is the last day in February and I can’t believe how fast this month has flown by, which means I’m one month closer to graduation. Graduating is on my mind, as it always is.

I can clearly picture life after graduation here in Las Cruces. I love it here. I love Newman. I love Southern New Mexico.  I love Las Cruces. I love being close to my family. I love the friends I have here. And I don’t know if I’m ready to give all of that up yet. I don’t know how long it will take me to leave this place and be okay with it.

On the other hand, what if I went someplace new? Sometimes I want to just jump into a whole new place and see what it brings. How would that affect the course my life is taking? And how would staying here affect the course of my life? If I moved, would I have a whole new life, with new friends, new people, and new activities. Would I  fall in love with that too?  Will I find another place like Newman? Will I find a place where I am this comfortable and happy? I feel like I was just saying this four years ago about coming to college, but it all turned out okay…better than I ever expected actually!  I trust that something like that will happen again, but I don’t know if I’m ready to leave this comfortable place yet? However, unlike high school I have more of a choice to stay than I did back then. Back then, the decision was already made…I was going to college and I was just going to have find a way to be okay with it. But now I have this HUGE decision in my hands and I really want to make the right choice. I want to make the choice that God wants for me.

I love it here in New Mexico too. It’s been my home and I love the people, the blue open skies, the sunsets, the food, the sun, and the community…everything about it. I’m just not sure if I’m ready to just pick up and go someplace new yet. I know I can do it one day and I know I want to try it one day, but I don’t know when that one day is.  And I know I want to be able to stand on my own two feet in trying something new. But am I ready? Is it okay to not feel ready?

Does that mean  I stay until I feel fully ready to move on? Or am I supposed to just go for it  and take a giant leap of faith in somewhere new? It’s scary to think about the latter and uneasy thinking about the first if it means I’m meant to go somewhere else.  Sometimes things at Mass comfort me when I have these questions swirling in my head and we sang a song at church tonight that seemed to ring even louder than usual:

YOU ARE MINE
I will come to you in the silence,
I will lift you from all your fear.
You will hear my voice,
I claim you as my choice,
Be still and know I am here.

Do not be afraid, I am with you.
I have called you each by name.
Come and follow me
I will bring you home;
I love you and you are mine.

I am hope for all who are hopeless,
I am eyes for all who long to see.
In the shadows of the night,
I will be your light,
Come and rest in me.

Do not be afraid, I am with you.
I have called you each by name.
Come and follow me
I will bring you home;
I love you and you are mine.

I am strength for all the despairing,
Healing for the ones who dwell in shame
All the blind will see,
The lame will run free,
And all will know my name.

Do not be afraid, I am with you.
I have called you each by name.
Come and follow me
I will bring you home;
I love you and you are mine.

I am the Word that leads all to freedom,
I am the peace the world cannot give.
I will call your name,
Embracing all your pain,
Stand up, now walk, and live!

Do not be afraid, I am with you.
I have called you each by name.
Come and follow me
I will bring you home;
I love you and you are mine.

I love this song because it’s always brought me comfort. I love that it is like a love story between me and God and all of us. It’s like a husband and wife and what every girl dreams of.  It’s like the best “The Bachelor” story ever created (which I have been thoroughly enjoying this season!). It’s not quite right to compare God’s love to the crazy love on reality T.V, but I know that we all desire love and this song connects with that. It also gives me comfort in the decisions that are about to come in the next few months. I know God will take care of me. I know God’s love for me, so I shouldn’t worry so much. But I wish I knew some answers to the decisions that I’m about to face.  I’ve been praying for guidance so I guess it’s just a matter of time before I’ll know those answers. I know it will all work out so I hope I can simply take comfort in God’s care for me and see what kind of life he will lead me to.